The Kids Have Left The Nest—Now What About Your Marriage?

5 min read

For many parents, the day their children leave home marks a milestone that comes with a mixture of emotions: relief, pride, sadness, and sometimes, even loneliness. But what happens to your relationship when the shared focus of raising kids suddenly disappears?

The empty nest is a new phase of life, but for some couples, it can expose underlying issues in the marriage that were previously overshadowed by the demands of parenting. And for many, this can bring to light deep-rooted issues, forcing them to confront uncomfortable truths.

The Empty Nest Divorce: A Growing Trend

While the empty nest itself doesn’t cause divorce, it can certainly bring long-standing issues to the surface. In fact, the statistics around divorce after the kids leave home are striking.

According to a study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, couples are 40% more likely to divorce after their children leave home. Divorce rates for adults over the age of 50 have also doubled since the 1990s. Nearly half of all divorces among older couples happen after their children leave home and this growing trend is largely attributed to what experts call “empty nest divorce,” a phenomenon that reveals the deeper, often unaddressed issues within a marriage.

Why Does the Empty Nest Cause Strain

Empty nest syndrome, characterized by feelings of grief, sadness, and identity loss, often serves as a tipping point, exposing problems that may have been masked by the busy demands of raising children. Without the distraction of parenting, couples may find themselves facing the reality that their relationship has grown distant.

Without the focus on the children, many individuals struggle to redefine themselves outside of the parental role, leading to emotional strain and potential marital disconnect, making it hard to find closeness and connection and leading many adults to seek fulfillment outside their relationship.

As Dr. Susan Hickman, a psychologist, explains, “There are lots of sides to the empty nest that are complicated. Many experience depression, feelings of sadness, anxiety, identity crisis, and significant grief. A huge part of dealing with the transition to the empty nest comes down to how strongly a person identifies with their parenting role to the exclusion of their own self-identity.”

The Hidden Forces of Empty Nest Divorce

Empty nest divorce is a combination of a desire for change as spouses reach middle age, combined with two people realizing their children were the only thing keeping them together. Many couples realize they’ve grown apart when the daily demands of parenting no longer mask underlying marital issues.

The dynamic of the “empty nest” also exacerbates a common issue: marital neglect.

Years spent prioritizing children’s needs and desires often leave little time for nurturing the relationship between spouses. This can lead to emotional distance, with partners drifting apart as they become more focused on their individual pursuits.

When the Foundation Starts to Crack

Many women find that after years of selflessness—putting their children’s needs first—they’re left feeling empty when it comes to their own desires. Some women, particularly those entering perimenopause, begin to experience a shift in priorities.

As a CrunchyTales reader, Marzia P., shared, “Perimenopause really took away my willingness to be a doormat or servant any longer. When women reach this breaking point, it can create tension in a marriage if their partner is unwilling to adapt to a new dynamic, where the wife starts to prioritize her own needs for the first time in decades“.

This shift can create tension in the marriage, particularly if the husband isn’t willing to adapt. In many cases, women reach a point where they no longer want to be the primary caretaker for their husbands, too.

The situation is even more complex when a woman feels like she’s still taking on the mental and emotional burden of adult life even after the kids are gone. A commenter on a public online forum put it bluntly: “A lot of the reason divorces happen with empty nests is because the wife is firmly kicking out that last chick—her husband. When the kids leave and become independent, she looks around and realizes that there’s still one person expecting her to cook, clean, and take on all the responsibilities of running the household. It doesn’t seem like a big deal when you’re juggling kids, but once they’re gone, you realize just how much you’ve been doing.”

Of course, this dynamic is not new. In fact, many women in previous generations stayed in marriages they were unhappy in because they had no other choice. They cooked, cleaned, and took care of the household because society expected it. For many women, their identity was tied to being a wife and mother, with little room for personal growth. 

But today, things have changed. Women have more financial independence and social freedom than ever before. They know they can leave.

Navigating the Empty Nest: Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

For those couples who want to give their marriage a second chance, however, the empty nest can be also a time of renewal.

Those who are willing to put in the work, communicate openly, and embrace the transition can find their relationship evolving in exciting new ways. Whether it’s traveling together, exploring new hobbies, or simply spending quality time rediscovering one another, the empty nest phase can be a time of growth and reconnection.

As Dr. Hickman advises, “It’s important to acknowledge the grief and loss that comes with the empty nest. But it’s equally important to give space for reinvention—of the self and of the marriage.”

For couples who may be struggling during this transition, therapy or relationship counseling can also be an invaluable resource. If you’re feeling disconnected from your partner, or if unresolved issues have begun to surface, seeking professional help can provide the tools necessary to rediscover and strengthen your relationship.

According to experts, it’s never too late to redefine your marriage. Relationships are constantly evolving, and when significant life changes—like an empty nest—occur, it’s natural for your partnership to shift as well. This might mean exploring new living arrangements, like a living-apart marriage, or downsizing to a smaller home, or perhaps even choosing to split your time between two locations. Or, it might mean maintaining the status quo if that works for both of you.

The key is that you and your partner, not societal norms or expectations, get to decide what this new chapter looks like.

Ultimately, the empty nest is what you make of it. It’s a time of transformation and possibility, and it’s up to you and your partner to decide whether it’s a time for reinvention or an end to the relationship.

Take the time to reflect on your marriage and what you both need going forward. The years spent raising children are invaluable, but the years ahead can be even more fulfilling, provided both partners are willing to work together to reignite the connection.

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