Sexual Fantasies: What Midlife Women “Want”

Do our sexual fantasies take us away from something (or someone), or do they lead us toward them? Perhaps they do both. These were the questions that came up to my mind as I listened to the audio version of Gillian Anderson‘s provocative new book, WANT.

Unlike the fictional escapism of Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James, it’s a raw, unapologetic exploration of women’s real-life desires who have chosen to share their personal fantasies without restraint, offering a rare glimpse into the rich and complex landscape of desire within the spectrum of the female experience. 

From dreaming about someone off-limits to conjuring a scene with multiple partners, from sex that is gentle and tender to passionate and playful, from women who have never had sex to women who have had more sex than they can remember, these fantasies -submitted anonymously- provide a window into the most secret part of our minds.

Some may argue they can be too raw or too provocative, but actually, as a 66-year-old woman, I wasn’t the least shocked or off-put by them: my age and experience bring such a high level of self-awareness and understanding of myself that gave me the confidence to listen to the audiobook version without judgment.

Some of those sexual fantasies featured in the book resonated with me, while others didn’t, and admittedly, there were times I chose to fast-forward through segments that didn’t align with my interests. However, I never once gasped in shock or disdain at any of their sexual fantasies. 

Age, Desires and Sexual Fantasies

As Gillian Anderson reminds us, “When we talk about sex, we talk about womanhood and motherhood, infidelity and exploitation, consent and respect, fairness and egalitarianism, love and hate, pleasure and pain. And yet so many of us don’t talk about it at all“.

At this stage of life, fantasies can take on new dimensions. They’re not just about escapism; they’re about connection—both to ourselves and, if we choose, to others. They reflect the depth of our experiences, the wisdom we’ve gained, and the confidence to know what we truly want.

Unlike the insecurities of youth, sexual fantasies in midlife often feel more empowering. They allow us to step into roles or scenarios that excite, inspire, or soothe us, all without leaving the safety of our minds. And guess what? That’s enough.

As I’ve aged, I’ve adopted a higher level of self-confidence and self-acceptance where I’m not afraid to explore and consider fantasies. I am more open to it and bolder about it as well. That is a glorious part of being a woman in my 60’s.

I believe that sexual fantasies can evolve as we age, and I would be curious to know if other women experience their desires changing or even becoming bolder over time. As for myself, I can say that I approach everything with a much more carefree attitude than ever before and listening to WANT has inspired me to reconnect with my own desires even more and to reignite the side of myself that is curious, playful, and fully open to possibility.

However, it is not lost on me how societal norms have likely dictated, and perhaps even suppressed women’s desires or fantasies, particularly for those of us over 50. I am confident in saying that most of us wouldn’t have been coached by our mothers in the realm of erotic fantasies. That would have never been a discussion I had with my mother, nor she with her mother. These topics quite simply would have been taboo.

But now as mature women, we are more likely to truly understand ourselves, know what we want, what we need, and we have earned the right to break free from any societal constraints that may have been imposed upon us, if we choose to.

• Ask yourselves what societal expectations have you let go of as you have aged, and how has that impacted your fantasies or desires?
• Have your fantasies changed over the years?
• What might that say about your growth and confidence?
• What would it mean for you to fully embrace your desires, even if you never share them? Can you be that vulnerable with yourself?

Freedom to Fantasize: Embracing Desire for Midlife Women

Understanding and normalizing women’s sexual fantasies is crucial. It represents a radical act of self-acceptance, a rejection of generations of sexual repression, and an acknowledgement that women’s inner sexual lives are as complex, varied, and valid as any other aspect of human experience.

One of the most powerful messages in WANT is the reminder that, as women, we have the right to express our desires without fear of judgment or shame.

The book invites us to embrace our desires as valid—whether we choose to share them or keep them private. Far from diminishing with age, our sexual fantasies can deepen, enriched by the layers of experience and self-awareness we’ve cultivated over time.

While the women featured in WANT boldly embody their “Divinely Feminine” and “Divinely Masculine” energies, claiming their physical, mental, emotional, and sexual power without hesitation, you don’t need to share your fantasies with the world to honor them. Creating a private space to explore and enjoy your desires is just as empowering.

So, what do midlife women want? To know that our fantasies are valid, our desires are worth exploring, and our sexuality is as alive and dynamic as ever. Let’s own it. Quiet revolutions can sometimes happen in the most intimate spaces of consciousness.

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